The Gremlins in my Head #MPBooks

How does a simple illness mess with your mind and mental health?

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Cat covering eyes
Image from Pixabay.com

For most of yesterday I’ve been feeling like the cat in the picture.  I’ve had a splitting headache, found it hard to function and am struggling hard to shut out thoughts of guilt and sadness which have plagued me since I started coming down with something a few days ago.

I don’t like to admit I’m not feeling good, but the truth is that although the last few days of last week I’d been feeling positive, I started to come down with something and it seems relentless in wanting to put me on bed rest.  I feel like I’ve got a sleeping sickness, I’m just so tired all the time and when I sleep, which has been for most of the last two days, I don’t feel refreshed at all ūüė¶

Though I suspect (and hope) that all I’ve come down with is a nasty virus or similar, it’s the negative impact on my mood that’s really worried me.  I try to keep myself cheerful and upbeat, in fact I want to feel positive, but something inside, almost like a disconnected thing is trying to bring my mood down and bring in all these horrible negative thoughts which ultimately plunge me into depression.

Sometimes it’s been so easy for me in the past to give in to these thoughts, to embrace the pain and horrible feeling they give me of guilt and upset.  It’s been so easy to give up, to let go, to enter that dark realm of dark thoughts that spiral me ever further into a place I can’t crawl back from.  It’s a place, a realm, I’ve sometimes been almost eager to enter, not happy with my own life, my own existence, I’ve found it hard to even want to grab the sides of the long dark pit and crawl out.

But despite that horrid darkness, I stop.  I stop myself going there again.

It doesn’t always work out this way, of course, sometimes I relish being in that realm and enjoy breathing in the mind-choking air, but now I’m discovering I’m stronger than I think.  I can resist the urge to fall into that dark pit, or at the least I hover past its entrance, look down and fight that will to put myself there, to accept that I have to feel that way just because everything in my life seems to want me to.

Today, although I still feel ill and an incredible guilt is filling me for not being able to keep up my personal commitment to check in with all you wonderful people and your blogs, I still resist the urge to get fully depressed.  It’s almost like I’m fighting myself and the happy me is winning this battle.  I refuse to let the depression take hold, to let it throw me into that pit, to make me resist the urge to leave.  Today I am okay.

Does this mean it’s not possible to become depressed like that again?  No.  It just means that today, I’m coping better than I used to with this thing, and I’m determined to not let it control me.


Well I went off-topic here, waaay off-topic and wrote something from the heart based on my emotions and how I’m feeling today.  I am still feeling ill and this post was a real depiction of how I feel and became far more raw than I thought it would be.  I’ll be posting up a lot of book review posts the coming days which I’ve prepared so I can sleep off this (hopefully a virus) thing.  
  Inspired by the daily prompt: Gremlins


Please let me know any of your thoughts you have on this post, I‚Äôd love to hear from you (though I might need time to reply as I may be asleep) ūüôā  You can also find me in these places: 

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#Poetry: Why Did You? #MPBooks

A dark poem on a very dark subject we find difficult to speak about.

crouched in sadness
Image from Pixabay.com

I must warn you that the following poem is a dark one with a dark theme which still makes many uncomfortable to speak openly about.¬† Written at a time I was feeling very down, I thought it was still okay to release it publicly, though it won’t be to everybody’s taste.¬† If you’d rather not read dark poetry then I’ll understand, but for those that wish to speak about the poem or the subject, please feel free to¬†do so in the comments below ‚̧

Why Did You?

Why did you?
Family bond disown,
When you came to me,
Who was all alone.

Why did you?
Let me feel a sin,
As your hand did place,
Skin on skin.

Why did you?
Make a child lie,
When others saw,
A touch of thigh.

Why did you?
Never take the blame,
In your heart not once,
Feel the shame.

Why did you?
Think that ‘family’,
Gave you all the rights,
could you not see.

Why did you?
Keep the grin, the smile,
Act ‘all is well’,
While I tasted bile.

Why did you?
Make me feel true hate,
Wish for the day,
I’d see you cremate.

Why did you?
Let me shake and cry,
Wish that you,
Then I would die.

Why did you?


This is a tough topic to talk about but if you wish to leave comments please do, I’d like to hear what anyone wants to say ūüôā

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Hello…Anyone Miss Me? #MPBooks

Hello…Anyone miss me?

Peacock hello
Image from Pixabay.com

Hello everyone.  I’m not sure if anyone’s missed me or even noticed my absence but it’s true, I’ve been away for a while and the reasons aren’t as great as I would like to pretend they are.  You see, quite a few things came up in my personal life and while I don’t really want to talk publicly about what’s been going on, all the little problems I’ve been having suddenly led me to feeling pretty low.

When I feel down over things it’s easy for me to recover but my go-to thing when depression’s on the horizon or trying to kick in is to withdraw.  I’m not in a bad place at the moment, in fact I’ve been able to bounce back out of it quite well but it’s just the thing I tend to do.  I am sorry though to everyone for not staying in touch, I hope I haven’t upset anyone with my absence :/

To be honest it wasn’t just my own personal issues which made me feel down, it was also this blog, or rather the things that I’ve been receiving through this blog.  While I thought having a blog filled with my favourite bird, the wonderful peacock, would be very special, the fact is that I received quite a few twitter messages from very disturbing or disturbed people (a lot of it sex related ūüė¶ ).  I began to wonder if I should even keep this blog going, considering how many strange messages I got from these ‘people’.

If I’m honest, I’m still wavering a bit on what to do.  The blog’s views have plummeted to almost none for several weeks now and although I never expected the following I had on my old blog (Happymeerkatreviews), I can’t lie that I do feel a little sad that I didn’t manage to connect with more people from there, especially some I called friends.  The low views also make me feel bad for the publishers who have sent me their books in return for exposure (good or bad) as their books clearly aren’t receiving much viewing on this blog at the moment.

But…

I have made a promise to myself and this blog, and of course you guys if you are still around, to get through this strange slightly sad feeling and to push past it as I don’t want to be sad for my own birthday (in November) and I don’t want to dampen the upcoming Xmas (and maybe Halloween) spirit which will hopefully be felt on this blog.

So I hope you will forgive my wavering and my slight blip and want to keep reading this blog and the things I put here.  I do have lots of reviews I’ve written but just haven’t placed up here yet, including all ten Anthony Browne books from the collection.  I’ll put them up now and hopefully get a new post going everyday for you too as well as visit some blogs as soon as I am able.  I’ll also spend the day replying to all your messages.  Thank you everyone and I hope you’ll want to stick around ‚̧


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Do You Over-Worry? #MPBooks

Have you suffered from anxiety, extreme worry or a feeling of guilt?

Sad dog
A sad dog ūüė¶ – Image from Pixabay.com

Yesterday some things happened and as a result I made my friend feel bad over something really silly.¬† It was nothing I had really done to hurt them.¬† It was a silly mistake over posting the wrongly worded comment which some other people may have taken the wrong way (I say may as I didn’t think it would have been seen as something bad) but my friend thought differently. ¬†In an effort to save face my friend deleted some of our communications and whike some of our conversations were deleted, others were private and yet others were left publicly in tact. ¬†In the end¬†a lot of our public¬†conversation made no sense.¬† My friend feels terrible and consequently I feel terrible too.¬† Nothing has really happened and my friendship hasn’t been damaged (at least I don’t think it has) so everything will be fine…or will it?

For most people the sadness or any guilt they may feel over what happened wouldn’t affect them long term.¬† But that’s not what traditionally happens with me, or at least not what has happened in the past.

I make it no secret that I have suffered from severe depression and I’d be lying if I still didn’t go into that dark place sometimes.¬† But I also suffer from anxiety and a specific symptom¬†inhabits me that¬†I’ve been fighting for years.¬† It’s an¬†overwhelming feeling of worry, often coming from a feeling of guilt.¬† This guilt is usually unjustified though.¬† It comes from the place in my mind wired to think the worst.¬†‘I could have done something else.¬†¬†Does that person hate me?¬† I embarrassed myself.¬† Everyone’s going to hate me’.¬† These¬†are some of the thoughts that plague my mind.

Thinking in this way is unhealthy and does nothing but make me feel terrible.  Although the guilt everyone feels at some point is natural and a way for us to know we have done something wrong, with some mental health conditions such as anxiety this guilt is accelerated to a level far beyond what it was supposed to be.

For me personally I’ve been through a difficult journey, one I’m still going through if I’m honest.¬† But I have learned techniques, ways to diminish the guilt I naturally feel.¬† I don’t always find it easy but these days I take some time away and find ways to replace the ‘guilty’ thoughts with ones that are more sensible such as ‘I could have done something else.¬† But that person doesn’t hate me.¬† Maybe I embarrassed myself, but nobody will hate me’.

In my own personal situation with my friend, I know there’s no real guilt to be felt and I hope my friend feels the same.¬† It was a silly misunderstanding (at least it could be taken as a misunderstanding. ¬†My friend and I don’t have any issue over this ourselves), one that should never have happened, but it’s¬†nothing to feel guilty over.

I decided to write this post as I wanted to share some of the difficulties I face with depression and more importantly anxiety.¬† It’s not easy to suffer from any form of anxiety.¬† Many people dismiss anxiety for nothing more than mere ‘fretting’, but for people who have anxiety disorders, the feelings you have, in this case of guilt, are very real.¬† You are not alone if you feel this way.¬† And it’s okay to have a bad day when you feel terrible, but it’s important to change those negative thoughts into more positive ones, thoughts that can help move you forward rather than stay stuck.

If you feel this way feel free to share your anxiety problems or any other mental health problems you have if you wish.  Mental health should be something we can freely talk about, so we can stop the prejudice against it and help anyone who may be suffering to feel supported and not alone.


Have you ever felt extreme worry or guilt?¬† How do you feel about mental health and speaking openly about it?¬† Please let me know I’d love to hear from you.¬†

You can also find me in these places ‚̧ :¬†

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ps I’m away for a lot of today travelling¬†so my responses may be quite¬†delayed.

#Poetry: A Life Unfurled #MPBooks

A dark poem filled with pain.

Hidden Girl
Image from Pixabay.com

I want to warn everyone that today’s poem is dark and weird so those of you who are interested in only cheerful things may not want to read.  It’s a bit of a  weird poem as it was inspired by the emotional place I’ve been in the past, I’m not sure it was worth posting though and don’t worry as this is not a reflection on my life, though there is some truth to parts of it ūüėģ  I hope someone out there ‘enjoys’ reading it ūüėē  Have a great Friday! ‚̧

A Life Unfurled

A truth kept hidden,
Always made to hide,
Never could be honest,
What I felt inside.

Felt shame just to meet,
Would never attend,
Any social gathering,
Was without friend.

Grew through the years,
Could never make start,
To be a new person,
Always felt apart.

Wanted to change,
But always afraid,
Soon felt soul,
Would be decayed.

Knew I  was throwing,
My Life away,
Felt I would die,
If I stayed this way,

Wanted to live,
A life of free,
Be rid of the pain,
That’s holding me.

So here I am,
Open to ache,
Will my heart,
Mend or break?

I tell you my story,
To save my own life,
Will you give me air,
Or use a knife?


What are your thoughts after reading this poem?  Reading back I’m not sure what to think myself so I’d love to hear from anyone. 

Do you enjoy dark poetry?  Or do you prefer lighter reading?  Please let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

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#Poetry: Life With You #MPBooks

A poem with a twist.

Bouquet on floor
Image from Pixabay.com

I really don’t want to comment on this poem here.  I’d rather you read it first and then tell me what you think.  I’d really like some opinions on this, it’s inspired by a daily prompt.

Life With You

I knew your pain as you did mine,
A kindred soul, love divine.
I wept, I shared all my fears,
You held me tight through all the tears.
Felt our hearts were true, entwined,
Our broken pasts were all behind.

I finally see through;
New life with you.

Together we made fresh new start,
Vowed to never be apart.
Happiness, peace, at last inside,
When we joined, husband, bride.
Pact, a promise we did seal,
For our lives, true ideal.

I finally see through;
New life with you.

Days and months becoming years,
Came the laughter, came the sneers.
Nothing ever done too right,
Always ready for a fight.
Talking in a monotone,
Left at home all alone.

I finally see through;
New life with you.

I knew your pain as you gave mine,
A blacked soul, love a brine.
I wept, realised all my fears,
You held me tight, caused all my tears.
Felt your heart untrue, I pined,
My broken past left me blind.

I finally see through;
Life: illusion with you.


This poem took me some time to write as it came from an emotional place.  Please let me know what you think of it.

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#Poetry: How Many Times? #MPBooks

A short but dark poem inspired by the daily prompt.

Flower on soil
Image from Pixabay.com

I had a bit of a bad day yesterday (depressive thoughts and feelings) and turned to writing as an outlet.  The result is this dark poem.  The good news is that it lifted my mood to post this, as if the writing of my dark thoughts leave me when I write.  I hope it is well received despite the darkness of it.

How Many Times?

How many times did I, let you inside?
Spent life afraid, wanting to hide.
Why did I let you, say those things to me?
Blinded by love, expecting you to see.
How could you take, control of my life?
Forgot who I was, more than just a wife.
Why didn’t I see, that I could simply leave?
Made me think no-one, would want to ever grieve.
How many times did I, let you get inside?
Too late to count now, I’ve already died.

Poem inspired by the daily prompt word Total (as in ‘total number of times…’)


 Please let me know what you think, I’d love to hear from you.  Come check me out in these places too ūüôā : 

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