The Gremlins in my Head #MPBooks

How does a simple illness mess with your mind and mental health?

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Cat covering eyes
Image from Pixabay.com

For most of yesterday I’ve been feeling like the cat in the picture.  I’ve had a splitting headache, found it hard to function and am struggling hard to shut out thoughts of guilt and sadness which have plagued me since I started coming down with something a few days ago.

I don’t like to admit I’m not feeling good, but the truth is that although the last few days of last week I’d been feeling positive, I started to come down with something and it seems relentless in wanting to put me on bed rest.  I feel like I’ve got a sleeping sickness, I’m just so tired all the time and when I sleep, which has been for most of the last two days, I don’t feel refreshed at all 😦

Though I suspect (and hope) that all I’ve come down with is a nasty virus or similar, it’s the negative impact on my mood that’s really worried me.  I try to keep myself cheerful and upbeat, in fact I want to feel positive, but something inside, almost like a disconnected thing is trying to bring my mood down and bring in all these horrible negative thoughts which ultimately plunge me into depression.

Sometimes it’s been so easy for me in the past to give in to these thoughts, to embrace the pain and horrible feeling they give me of guilt and upset.  It’s been so easy to give up, to let go, to enter that dark realm of dark thoughts that spiral me ever further into a place I can’t crawl back from.  It’s a place, a realm, I’ve sometimes been almost eager to enter, not happy with my own life, my own existence, I’ve found it hard to even want to grab the sides of the long dark pit and crawl out.

But despite that horrid darkness, I stop.  I stop myself going there again.

It doesn’t always work out this way, of course, sometimes I relish being in that realm and enjoy breathing in the mind-choking air, but now I’m discovering I’m stronger than I think.  I can resist the urge to fall into that dark pit, or at the least I hover past its entrance, look down and fight that will to put myself there, to accept that I have to feel that way just because everything in my life seems to want me to.

Today, although I still feel ill and an incredible guilt is filling me for not being able to keep up my personal commitment to check in with all you wonderful people and your blogs, I still resist the urge to get fully depressed.  It’s almost like I’m fighting myself and the happy me is winning this battle.  I refuse to let the depression take hold, to let it throw me into that pit, to make me resist the urge to leave.  Today I am okay.

Does this mean it’s not possible to become depressed like that again?  No.  It just means that today, I’m coping better than I used to with this thing, and I’m determined to not let it control me.


Well I went off-topic here, waaay off-topic and wrote something from the heart based on my emotions and how I’m feeling today.  I am still feeling ill and this post was a real depiction of how I feel and became far more raw than I thought it would be.  I’ll be posting up a lot of book review posts the coming days which I’ve prepared so I can sleep off this (hopefully a virus) thing.  
  Inspired by the daily prompt: Gremlins


Please let me know any of your thoughts you have on this post, I’d love to hear from you (though I might need time to reply as I may be asleep) 🙂  You can also find me in these places: 

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#DailyPrompt: Distant Sun #Poetry #Photography #MPBooks

An interesting photo that asks you a question.

Faint View MPBooks
View from Rochester Castle – Image © My Peacock Books
mypeacockbooks.wordpress.com

Distant Sun

A faint glow of distant sun,
A coming of the dawn,
Or faint glow of distant sun,
A setting causing yawn?


Do you think this was taken near sunrise or sunset?  What do you think of the picture or the poem.  Please let me know your thoughts I’d love to hear from you 🙂 You can also follow me in these places: 

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#Poetry: Goodbye Dear Soul #MPBooks

A poem commemorating the loss of Humpty the Hippo ❤

 

Hippo
This is not Humpty the Hippo but an image of a pigmy hippo (I think) from Pixabay.com

A few days ago I found out about the sad news of a beautiful creature who sadly died.  In care of the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, a wonderful charity that rescues and raises orphaned elephants and other animals in Africa before returning them to a free and natural life in the wild, a beautiful baby hippo called ‘Humpty’ captured everyone’s hearts.  Humpty was rescued after being found alone stuck in a drying mud pool.  Alone and without her mother she would have died had it not been for the wonderful people at the Trust who rescued her and then tried to raise her.   It was the first baby hippo they had every tried to raise and she was doing very well until she became suddenly ill and died shortly after.  As a deep animal lover I was touched by Humpty’s rescue and have felt so saddened by her sudden death.  She did, however, have several beautiful months of happiness which she wouldn’t have without being rescued.

Humpty’s death, like the death of so many of our beloved creatures and loved ones can be very hard to cope with, but we must focus on the happy times and the love we have for them.  I’ve written a poem which I hope many may relate to.  It was my poem for Humpty, but it’s also what I felt when a close individual died.

Goodbye Dear Soul

A beautiful soul, now have passed,
You left this world, all too fast.
A void now where you did depart,
An empty space in my heart.
Your time was not meant so soon,
If only you, I could cocoon.
Protect and save from life askew,
Now empty space, I have in lieu.
Your stay was not meant to be,
Tether to world, now set free.
Your beauty, light, will shine always,
Love in heart, a burning blaze.
Remember you for evermore,
Your soul now free, at peace to soar.

To read more about what happened please click here.  This is a video commemorating beautiful Humpty:


Feel free to leave any comments you have ❤    You can find me in these places online too:

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#Poetry: How Many Times? #MPBooks

A short but dark poem inspired by the daily prompt.

Flower on soil
Image from Pixabay.com

I had a bit of a bad day yesterday (depressive thoughts and feelings) and turned to writing as an outlet.  The result is this dark poem.  The good news is that it lifted my mood to post this, as if the writing of my dark thoughts leave me when I write.  I hope it is well received despite the darkness of it.

How Many Times?

How many times did I, let you inside?
Spent life afraid, wanting to hide.
Why did I let you, say those things to me?
Blinded by love, expecting you to see.
How could you take, control of my life?
Forgot who I was, more than just a wife.
Why didn’t I see, that I could simply leave?
Made me think no-one, would want to ever grieve.
How many times did I, let you get inside?
Too late to count now, I’ve already died.

Poem inspired by the daily prompt word Total (as in ‘total number of times…’)


 Please let me know what you think, I’d love to hear from you.  Come check me out in these places too 🙂 : 

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#Poetry: The Fall #MPBooks

A dark and disturbing poem inspired by the daily prompt.

Woman sinking photo
Image from Pexels.com

This is some dark poetry I wrote yesterday when I saw the Daily Post’s prompt word of the day was descend.   Warning, some people may find the following content distressing.   If some of my dark poetry is too dark for you, then you’re welcome to check out my new Poetry page for a list of all my poems both Light and Dark.

The Fall

I descend into, I don’t know where,
A world filled with, only despair,
Where time has now forever ceased,
Seconds, minutes hours are feast.

I descend into, I don’t know where,
A place so dark I do not dare,
To open my eyes, see the sight,
Ceaseless night, endless blight.

I descend into, I don’t know where,
A place of rot, my skin I tear,
Cut and scrape, cause eyes to weep,
All to see if still red does seep.

I descend into, I don’t know where,
Time is paused, I sit and stare,
Contemplate, a life now past,
Detest the choices that were cast.

I descend into, I don’t know where,
A world enveloped with warfare,
Thoughts, beliefs conflict in mind,
Future unclear, reality blind.

I descend into, I don’t know where,
A place from which I do not care,
My only wish, I could go back,
To fix where life began to crack.


Any Thoughts?   Please do comment 🙂  You can also find me in these places: 

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#Poetry: Your Vile Smile #MPBooks

A dark poem for National Poetry Month and a response to the daily prompt.

Woman looking in mirror
Image from Pexels.com

I know it seems I’ve gone a poetry craze but this is in response to the wordpress daily prompt, the word being Chuckle.  I will have more varied posts coming soon, promise 🙂

Your Vile Smile

You make me laugh, you make me smile,
Though inside you’re filled with bile.
You show yourself, happy, true,
No one know the truth of you.
Times there are, I love you near,
But sometimes you are all I fear.
How can I live this way?
Waiting for you to say.
Vile words that leave your lips,
Same ones that bring you tips.
The hatred I feel inside,
For you. From myself I hide.


Any thoughts please do comment 🙂

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