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The Gremlins in my Head #MPBooks

My Peacock Books & Living16 Comments

For most of yesterday I’ve been feeling like the cat in the picture.  I’ve had a splitting headache, found it hard to function and am struggling hard to shut out thoughts of guilt and sadness which have plagued me since I started coming down with something a few days ago.

I don’t like to admit I’m not feeling good, but the truth is that although the last few days of last week I’d been feeling positive, I started to come down with something and it seems relentless in wanting to put me on bed rest.  I feel like I’ve got a sleeping sickness, I’m just so tired all the time and when I sleep, which has been for most of the last two days, I don’t feel refreshed at all 😦

Though I suspect (and hope) that all I’ve come down with is a nasty virus or similar, it’s the negative impact on my mood that’s really worried me.  I try to keep myself cheerful and upbeat, in fact I want to feel positive, but something inside, almost like a disconnected thing is trying to bring my mood down and bring in all these horrible negative thoughts which ultimately plunge me into depression.

Sometimes it’s been so easy for me in the past to give in to these thoughts, to embrace the pain and horrible feeling they give me of guilt and upset.  It’s been so easy to give up, to let go, to enter that dark realm of dark thoughts that spiral me ever further into a place I can’t crawl back from.  It’s a place, a realm, I’ve sometimes been almost eager to enter, not happy with my own life, my own existence, I’ve found it hard to even want to grab the sides of the long dark pit and crawl out.

But despite that horrid darkness, I stop.  I stop myself going there again.

It doesn’t always work out this way, of course, sometimes I relish being in that realm and enjoy breathing in the mind-choking air, but now I’m discovering I’m stronger than I think.  I can resist the urge to fall into that dark pit, or at the least I hover past its entrance, look down and fight that will to put myself there, to accept that I have to feel that way just because everything in my life seems to want me to.

Today, although I still feel ill and an incredible guilt is filling me for not being able to keep up my personal commitment to check in with all you wonderful people and your blogs, I still resist the urge to get fully depressed.  It’s almost like I’m fighting myself and the happy me is winning this battle.  I refuse to let the depression take hold, to let it throw me into that pit, to make me resist the urge to leave.  Today I am okay.

Does this mean it’s not possible to become depressed like that again?  No.  It just means that today, I’m coping better than I used to with this thing, and I’m determined to not let it control me.

Well I went off-topic here, waaay off-topic and wrote something from the heart based on my emotions and how I’m feeling today.  I am still feeling ill and this post was a real depiction of how I feel and became far more raw than I thought it would be.  I’ll be posting up a lot of book review posts the coming days which I’ve prepared so I can sleep off this (hopefully a virus) thing.  
  Inspired by the daily prompt: Gremlins

Please let me know any of your thoughts you have on this post, I’d love to hear from you (though I might need time to reply as I may be asleep) 🙂  You can also find me in these places: 

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16 thoughts on “The Gremlins in my Head #MPBooks”

  2. Cat, have you been tested at all for any viruses? What you described at the beginning of this post certainly sounded to me like the early stages of what I had a couple of years ago – Chikungunya. While that’s a tropical disease that’s borne by mosquitoes, and you’re unlikely to have caught that, there are similar viruses that spread human-to-human, and animals-to-humans, and it’s possible that if someone in the UK had travelled to a tropical place and picked up one of those viruses to carry back home, then they could nfect others. It’s not a longshot here, but a definite possibility as to why you’re always feeling the way you do, and doctors seldom check for anything unusual like this. Have a look at my blog headings and you’ll see one where I’ve collected popular blog posts – those I wrote about Chikungunya were among the most popular I ever published, because so many people came down with it and are continuing to suffer from it. This is not meant to alarm you and that you may have somehow picked up a nasty virus, but the doctors really should rule out all possibilities before giving up on any diagnosis for what is actually ailing you.

    I hope you can find a way to deal with this health problem of yours, because it sounds as though you’re constantly struggling with it, and feeling depressed and guilty with those struggles just makes it worse for you. You should never be made to feel guilty that you are ill! Or that nothing can be done for you. If it were me, I’d want a definitive answer to what was going on. Strength, Cat!

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    • I’ve never heard of that virus before but you are right, I should see the doctor about this as it does feel a bit unusual from a normal virus. I’ll check out your blog for this Chikungunya, thank you for the advice and for caring ❤ 🙂

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      • I hope no one has considered me to be fearmongering! Especially your doctor. All this was intended as helpful advice.

        There were people from the UK who visited Bequia when this virus was prevalent and went back home to consult doctors who did not have a clue about what was wrong with them. (If you read through some of the comments I received on my blog you’ll see that one man thought for sure he was dying, until he got the correct diagnosis of having picked up this particular virus). Now, in your case, while it likely is not Chikungunya, it could be one of a number of other unusual viruses that most doctors would never think to test for. Once I began reading reports on what I had contracted, I realized it could affect many more parts of my body than it had, and further on down the line, as well. For instance, I’d been having a problem with my eyes during the past couple of years, and when I suggested this virus as the cause, the doctor actually did some reading about it and agreed that I was probably right. This could also be the case for you, Cat, in that you should consider any illnesses you may have had as a child or throughout your life that might now be returning to cause these symptoms you’ve experienced. You just never know when or where you picked up something that has lain dormant in your body for a long time.

        Anyway, enough online diagnosing from me! Best to ask the doctors to consider every possibility before finalizing a diagnosis or how to treat you.

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      • Don’t worry I’m sure nobody thinks you’re anything but a good and caring friend 🙂 I am feeling a little better though I’m on a slow mend at the moment. I hope it’s just a winter virus but am seeing the doctor about this as the overwhelming sleepiness and tiredness has still freaked me out a bit. Can you believe that I still haven’t seen the doc although got an appointment, have to wait a long time over here where I live! Thank you again for all your online diagnosis and help, very much appreciated 🙂

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      • Best of luck with your appointment. Wait times can be much similar in Canada, I believe. Here on Bequia, not so bad, but during the ChikV eplidemic, the local doctor saw over 1000 patients in one month, who had contracted the virus. He was overwhelmed, yet the government on the mainland would not declare it as a problem – in case this information scared away the tourists!!

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  3. It’s hopefully just an virus and will pass but we both know that depression is always lurking in the background when you’ve been unhappy before.

    I was ill a couple of weeks ago, it was a virus and lasted about 5 weeks. It made me really tired, even with getting loads of sleep, I never felt refreshed, wanted to sleep even more, etc and found it hard to focus too because of all that. It sucks, but it does pass and we get better but being ill sucks and makes feel down anyway.

    As for blogging, it’s a hobby, no need to feel guilty over anything to do with it.

    I hope you feel better soon.😀

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  5. Cat, health is always first. Feeling guilty can also make you ill. My this meditation is one for you..being gentle with yourself.. hugs get well soon.

    In boots there is energise vitamin c and multi vits sachet drink you add contents to water it really really helps. Even if u take half a sachet rather than the full it makes a difference. Tc bella

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    • Thank you for the advice and the support ❤ I am already on bed rest and looking after myself, I hadn't thought to take extra things to boost my immunity although of course you are right, they should certainly help. Thank you ❤ 🙂

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  6. There are lots of viruses about, Cat and you may have caught one that is making you feel so low. Your other friends here have made lots of helpful suggestions and I agree with them all. It might be worth your while seeing your GP and having a check-up and/or blood-test to see if there is anything else the matter with you. Well done for fighting the urge to sink into that pit! It takes a lot of strength, energy and courage to fight depression which, as you know *is* a gremlin. It does seem to have a life of its own. Lots of love, Clare xx

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